As we approach the final hours of 2020, I’m sure many of us are happy to see it go. It has been a most difficult year for so many people, all over the world. So many plans had to change, people not seen, hugs not given and in the worst cases, lives lost. It has been a most challenging year indeed, for all of us in different ways. And as it comes to a close I find myself looking back on it and wondering what it gave me, because 2020 and Covid 19 has taken a lot from us, that’s for sure, but did living through the experience give us anything? The optimist in me hopes so. Did it give you fear and anxiety or did it give you time, strength and hope? In my case, it gave me time to think…

Being in lockdown, safe but stuck in your own home, gave us all time to simply be with our thoughts. Time to think. Time to re-evaluate what is important to us – our health, our loved ones, our freedom. For some, as it did me, at times it took us back to think of difficult times in our lives and examine them closer. For me, 2020 was not my most difficult year, personally mine was my 30th year. During that year I struggled with my health, a relationship with someone I had shared my life with for 7 years ended, I left a home I had built, I moved country and started again… For me it was such a challenging time and I can see the likeness to the experience that lockdown has given to many this year. It is difficult for me to share as only my closest family and friends know, but at the same time I feel compelled to write. I feel like if any one person can relate to this in some way, to identify, to understand, it will be worth it.

So I share this part of my story, in the hope that it helps you, you wonderful person who is reading it. In April last year the relationship I was in ended, but in the months before I had become quite ill. I had new symptoms and had lost a stone in weight in a short few months, and I hadn’t even realised. I had been so busy with life and trying to support and look after us that I was too exhausted to look after myself. It took until I woke up in the middle of the night crying in pain for my ex to finally say ‘you can’t carry on like this’ and for me, I felt like I finally had permission to stop and try to look after just me. I went to the doctor the next day, in the weeks and months that followed I had tests to try to figure out what was wrong. In this time one test I had was one for bowel cancer, the results came back very high, the doctor was extremely worried and I had to go into hospital to investigate further and get biopsies taken. By the time I got these results I was dealing with a broken heart and what felt like a broken body and I felt like I had hit rock bottom. For me, that’s what it felt like.

In some ways, I feel like I can liken that to this year we have had. Many people, friends of mine and possibly yours have struggled, they have lost their jobs and homes because of the results of the coronavirus. They felt like they hit their rock bottom. This year has been so difficult for so many people in this whole world for so many reasons, some the same, some different. Maybe they have lost loved ones, lost jobs, homes, cancelled plans, felt lonely, felt like their life was on hold. When I was waiting for those biopsy results – it was a challenging time – I was just waiting, helpless. As many people have been this year. Just waiting for this virus to go away so we can live our lives again. People have turned to different things to help them get through this time – I turned to family, friends, music, dancing, yoga, mindfulness and also allowed myself to feel all the feels – cried a few tears in the process. But each of these things helped me in each their own way. And know that whatever you have turned to to keep you sane during this crazy year and all the lockdowns – it has helped you in some way too. Maybe you have read more, ate more, exercised more, zoom quizzed more, baked banana bread more. Whatever you turned to, know that it is ok, do what you can to keep you going, to keep you hopeful…

Now I take you to the day when I got my results, because this story has a happy ending and I’ve always been fond of those. Months later, in October I got the all clear. It was not bowel cancer or IBD as the symptoms and test results suggested. It was IBS, which I have written about in the lifestyle section of my blog if you would like to read more about. For me, this was a moment of clarity, I felt like I could plan for the future again, I had been given a second opportunity, a second chance. I imagine this is what it will feel like when the world gets vaccinated against covid 19 and we will be safe again, and free again, to leave our homes, to live our lives. By the time I got my results I had had time to think of the person I was and the person I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, for me this time, and I think a lot of people who have lived through lockdowns might be closer to knowing the same for them.

When you feel like you have a second chance, you live for the moment and soak up every opportunity you can. That month alone I booked to do a Skydive to raise money for Cancer Research UK, I started a dance class, I got a new job, I met wonderful people, I applied for my Australian Visa, I was an extra in a TV show. I danced, I laughed, I lived.

And I feel like this will be what the world will feel like post covid – people living their best lives. Hugging, kissing, singing, dancing, travelling, playing, learning, taking every chance and opportunity and being so grateful for everything they have and everything that could be. Waking up knowing that this could be the day something wonderful happens. You may find your passion, start a business, meet someone wonderful, have a wedding and spend the day with your loved ones, buy a home, introduce your baby to your family at the other side of the world, get your dream job, travel to somewhere new, accomplish something for you. The possibilities are endless.

So I know that right now we are in lockdown, again. We begin the year with our nearest and dearest yet we cannot celebrate and see in the new year as we would like to. So take this time to find what helps you, what keeps you going during this difficult time. In the sweet knowledge that when this is over, when the world becomes safe again. When we are given our collective second chance… It will be wonderful…

Here’s to you, 2021…

As always, much love,

The Wee Wanderer Blogger x o x o